To Blog, or Not To Blog?

I'm kind of horrified that it's been almost two months since my writing came to a screeching halt. I don't really remember what made me stop, other than feeling generally overwhelmed and not wanting to drag the pitiful, dessicated corpse of my personal life out into the glaring light of teh intarwebs. While I'm not any more inclined to share a lot of what's happened, I'm ready to get back on the blog-wagon.

So! Let's get started.

My weight has been fluctuating between 204 and 208. I can't seem to get below 204, but honestly I haven't been working too hard on it until this week. I started running again -- pitifully slow, but running nonetheless. I also took a yoga class for the first time in a bajillion years, and it was beyond amazing. I'm stronger than I think, and more coordinated. And I'm in love with anything that makes me feel that way.

On the food front, I decided that it's time to go back to a meat-free diet. I was a vegetarian years ago, thanks mostly to the influence of my old roommate (who I lovingly refer to as Captain Straightedge), but gave it up. I wasn't really doing it for the best reasons, and at 23 years old, I was too damn lazy to be a healthy vegetarian. You can't live on macaroni and meatless "chik'n" patties and expect to be healthy. So why go back to it now? Well, I started thinking about the healthiest people I know (mentally, physically, emotionally) and it occurred to me that the majority of them eat little to no animal products. No matter how you slice it, meat is bad for you. It's also bad for the planet, and for the animals from whom it's derived. You can argue with me if you want, but I'm not changing my mind. And I don't expect you to change yours -- your body is your body, feed it whatever you choose.

I was at the grocery store today getting a salad for lunch, and I felt a pang of sadness when I walked past the sushi case. "No sushi for ME," I thought, wah wahhhhh, pitiful pitiful. And then it dawned on me: I was letting myself be sad over a spicy tuna roll. A little fish-filled log of rice, wrapped in seaweed. Food was making me sad. FOOD!

It's just food. It's fuel for your cells. It's not love, it's not an escape, it doesn't fix anything.

IT'S JUST FOOD.

(This may seem like common sense to you, dear reader, but this is a thought that is as foreign to me as responsible journalism is to Glenn Beck.)

That one simple thought makes me feel so free, so hopeful, so ready to tackle any challenge. If I can end a 20 year dysfunctional relationship with food, I can do anything.

Oh, and speaking of things I can do? Check THIS out:



That right there? That's Crow Pose. AND I DID IT. No, the picture is not of me, and I didn't do it nearly as perfectly as this nice young lady, but I did it. I balanced my body weight on my arms, I got my feet off the ground. And it felt so, so, SO good to have physical proof of what I've been scared to believe for so long: I am strong, I can do anything, and the only real obstacles in my life are the ones I create myself, in my head.

That's the mantra. That's the code. That's how I'm getting from here to there.

219

219. A bar from which I was once forcibly ejected with a painter named Dwight Easter. Also? My weight as of this morning. Response to both situations: ABSOLUTE SHOCK.

I've taken the last two weeks totally off from exercising. As I mentioned in my last post, my knee has been bothering me more and more, and finally I just decided to put the brakes on and give myself a good solid rest. I've been enjoying it -- sleeping past 3 AM is nice, for sure. But in the back of my mind was a little nagging voice saying, "You're going to gain it all baaaaaaaaaack!" I wasn't going crazy with food, but I definitely didn't stick to the plan Smith gave me. (There was a little incident with cream cheese frosting, too.)

So when I hopped on the scale this morning, my jaw dropped. 219?! What the HELL?! I moved the scale three times just to make sure it was on a good, level spot. Yep, still 219. Wow.

Two things occurred to me. First, I realized that my worst food days over the last two weeks don't even come close to my "bad" days from before. I'm not eating donuts, whole pizzas, soda, or other crap like I used to. And the things I did indulge in were (mostly) homemade, meaning they weren't full of preservatives, sodium, nitrates, or any other garbage.

The second thing I realized (for the millionth time) is that I have to stop being so hard on myself. All these changes I'm making are going to take time to sink in. And really, it is always going to be a battle for me. Always. There will never be a magical day where I wake up and never want to eat anything but lean protein and vegetables, a day where I want to exercise for a million hours and have a huge grin on my face the whole time. It's always going to suck a little teeny bit. Have I learned that I feel MUCH BETTER when I eat right and exercise? Absolutely! But I'm also coming to accept that there are things I like that aren't super healthy, and that's okay. It's okay to have a slice of pizza, a cupcake, a glass of wine. I just can't do it every meal, every day.

Anyhoo...my posting has been (and may continue to be, at least for a little while) sporadic, mostly because of holiday craziness. I've also changed my weigh-in day to Friday, simply because a good loss will a) give me something to be happy about over the weekend and b) keep me from over-doing it on the two days a week that I do most of my socializing.

I've also found two fantastic weight loss blogs that you HAVE to check out. The first, Escape from Obesity, is really well-written, and full of fantastic insights. I find myself nodding and saying "YES!" almost every time I read it. Then there's Bitchcakes, which has great Weight Watchers info. Plus, the writer is gorgeous and an amazing photographer (her pictures of NYC make me want to move there. For reals.). So if you need something to read and you're not finding it here, go check those two ladies out!

Hope your holidays are rolling along smoothly...I'll post again soon!

Hiatus

It occurred to me last night that I'd completely flaked and forgotten to post on either one of my blogs yesterday. I'm not sure if my priorities have shifted a bit, or if I just don't have anything to write about at the moment. Either way, I'm going to take a brief hiatus from actively posting on either blog (here or 3 Days in October). This'll give me time to deal with some changes around the house, including my return to work and a lot of computery switcheroo-ness (Hubs got a new laptop and thus we're reorganizing everything).

See you next Monday!