e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

186.6 & First World Problems

It's been an overwhelming few days -- lost cash, missed hair appointment due to sick Kid, and worst of all, lost iPhone. My beloved iPhone! You know, the one with 1,000 pictures of my child? It's gone, gone forever. I lost it at a bar while I was out with friends from work on Tuesday night.

Anyhoo, I was so upset about losing the phone that I didn't eat much yesterday. Still, I didn't have high expectations for my weigh-in today. We've gone out to eat a few times, I drank twice, and I haven't been working out. Imagine my surprise when I stepped on and saw the number.

I'm shaking off the bad juju of the week and starting over. I had a great talk with Smith yesterday (yes! Smith lives!) and another friend of mine is selling me his old iPhone to get me through until I can afford the iPhone 4. My precious pictures are gone forever, but I've learned my lesson -- always download, and always install the "Find My iPhone" software.

How's YOUR week been? What challenges are you overcoming this week?

Another New Adventure

A little over ten years ago, I was creeping my way towards an Associate's degree in photography. I loved all of my art classes, dreaded general ed, and overall had a pretty good time. Two years in, though, I packed up and moved to D.C. without any plans to transfer or finish the degree. It's lurked in the back of my mind since then, that unfinished degree. Yet another project that I started but left incomplete (kind of like how I waited three years to take my NCE).

I've been thinking about school off and on for at least a year. I wasted some time (and money!) going to nail school in the hopes that it would satisfy my "back to school" urge. Of course, it didn't. I pore over anatomy books and pathology books and journal articles under the guise of making myself a better massage therapist. But it's just not enough. I need more. And I need that lingering unfinished business to be done. So I finally bit the bullet; I drove down to the old community college and got a copy of my transcripts -- just to see where I left off.

In my memory, I was a good student. I remember going to classes, getting along with instructors, doing projects, the works. But one look at my transcripts and other memories come back: long nights of drinking at O'Sullivan's, failing tests because of hangovers, looks of disappointment from teachers who really, really liked me and wanted me to excel. With a few exceptions (Biology, Spanish, and Math, surprisingly), my grades were TERRIBLE. I was at school for two years and I'm left with about four classes that will count towards my new degree path. Oy.

So what IS that new degree path? Well, certainly not photography (although if I went back to that, I'd have a whole lot less work to do). I love photography; it's still my hobby. But it's a useless degree at this point in my life, and I don't want photography to be my job. What DO I want, what do I really want, and honestly what HAVE I wanted since I was a kid?

I want to be a doctor.

Saying that out loud, even typing it is scary. It's a scary secret that I've harbored for a very long time. How many times did I tell people I wanted to be a painter, a writer, a massage therapist, a photographer -- anything BUT a doctor. How long have I lied to myself about what I really want? My whole life, it feels like. I kept it a secret because I didn't believe I was smart enough to pull it off. I kept it a secret because deep down I was scared that I WAS smart enough, and oh God, what if I was smart enough and I wasted all those years in high school smoking pot and watching surf movies and riding around in Jeeps and doing anything BUT going to school?! It's a horrible catch-22 of self-defeating thoughts, low self-esteem, regret, and sheer terror.

Time to snap out of it, now. NOW, with the urgency and intensity Cher in "Moonstruck" slapping Nicholas Cage. I believe it of my body -- my body can do anything I want it to. So why not believe it of my brain? Of my life?

I'm aware that the road I'm choosing is long, arduous, and marked with heavy tolls. I'm aware that to get those two magical letters, MD, requires about seventeen years of school and more debt than I can even imagine. I'm aware that it's entirely possible I'll get back into college classes and absolutely hate it. I'm going into this with my eyes wide open. But, dammit, I'm going.

I have to do this. It's as essential to me as my weight loss has been. I cannot live the rest of my life without at least trying to reach this goal.

I'm really going to do this. I have butterflies in my stomach as I browse the catalogs, track degree paths, compare schools. I imagine myself acing insanely difficult classes like Organic Chemistry and feel that indescribable "SQUEEEEEE!" (Don't judge -- Whitman had his yawp, I've got my squee.)

In about five days, I'm registering for classes. I'm taking the first teetering, toddling steps towards a huge, long-term goal. I'm doing this.

Are you ready?

Hair! And Eyebrows.

I woke up this morning in a lousy mood. Hubs and Kid subsequently fled the house, and I can't say I blame them. While they were gone, I decided to tackle an epic workout: a full-body weight circuit and an hour of cardio. It was beyond awesome! I know I'll feel it tomorrow (and even more on Monday) but it changed my whole mood around.

Anyhoo, I'd initially planned to spend the remainder of the day on cleaning and organizing projects, stuff I've been putting off for ages. Instead, it turned into a sort of beauty day for me. I cleaned up my eyebrows, colored my hair, and played with the new make-up I got for Christmas (mmmm, Urban Decay!). I was having so much fun; I even broke out my old clip-in hair extensions. Of course, I had to take goobery self-portraits with my iPhone:



Man, do I miss having long hair! I've decided to grow it out (again). So if I tell any of y'all that I'm getting my hair cut, slap me and direct me back to this blog post. Okay? Okay.

(Oh, and I'd also like to point out that my arm looks totally normal-sized, maybe even thin, in these pictures. I don't know why I think that's so rad, but I do.)

2010: That's the Year, and (Thankfully) Not My Weight

As 2010 draws to a close, I'm trying desperately to get back into the habit of blogging regularly. I've been slacking, despite many, many complaints from those eight folks out there who read what I write. So! Tonight I'm tackling the same year-end questionnaire that I did at the end of 2009. (I'm using the modified version from Linda's blog, so it's not identical to last year's.)

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Publicly (well, by way of my blog) admitted my weight. The last time I did that, I was in third grade. As part of a numbers/math exercise, we all wrote our weights on the chalkboard. I had no idea that I weighed "too much" until I wrote my number and heard the class gasp.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I'm proud to say that I absolutely DID do what I said I would:

"To take the damn NCE and be done with my massage certification once and for all." CHECK. Took and passed the NCE, and I'm now finally working full-time as a CMT at a place I really, really love.

"Another is to resolve all of my seemingly never-ending medical issues (hernia, knee, facial cyst, and now gall bladder)." CHECK #2. Although the hernia business required a third and horribly unexpected surgery, and the knee turned out to be nothing. Well, nothing except a random slug of metal in my femur, but, you know.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! Smith and his wife brought an adorable daughter into the world in January. And my old Starbucks pals Megan (who has a blog herself) and Lisa had their second daughter and son, respectively. And Mona! Mona had a baby, too. Oh! The lovely super-mommy Luce rounded out her gang with a son, too. I may be forgetting somebody, but dang. Was 2010 the year of the newborn or what?

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Fortunately, no. But I'm sad to say that several of my friends suffered losses this year.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. LAME!

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
More focus -- I've been a little all over the place this year.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 17th -- Welcome, Baby S!
May something -- FINALLY left Starbucks. For good.
April 24th -- The anniversary that almost wasn't.
November 4th -- My epiphany day (also known as the day I got my cajones back)
December 13th -- Broke the 204 lb plateau, finally.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I have to say, I'm most proud of the fact that I finally, FINALLY took the NCE. It had been hanging over my head for so long. Now that it's done, I've been able to go back to what I love doing most: MASSAGE.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I think I could have been a much better wife this year. I didn't work as hard at that as I have in years past, and it showed. Sorry, Hubs.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Cue the hernia-inducing laughter here. Oh man. Three surgeries (one minor, two major), many trips to the hospital, more prescriptions than you can shake a stick at. Not a good year, health-wise. But hey! I'm still here!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My iPhone. The only thing that even comes close is my CamelBak water bottle.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Debt (sigh) and our lovable, aging house.

13. What did you get really excited about?
Massage, finally. And exercising, which is awesome but weird.

14. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Not a song, but a whole album: Jack Johnson's "Sleep Through the Static," mostly because I got to listen to it on repeat for two hours almost every week.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:


...happier or sadder? Hmm. Sadder about some things, happier about others. Sorry to be cryptic, but I'm still working through a lot of crap. Bear with me.

...thinner or fatter? THINNER, and how mothereffing good does it feel to type that?! TWENTY POUNDS DOWN FROM THIS TIME LAST YEAR, PEOPLE.

...richer or poorer? Well, we made a decision that resulted in the elimination of a lot of our debt, but we're still in that weird place where I'm not making quite enough money for us to be super comfortable. It's getting better though. So both, I guess?

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Yoga. Writing. Hugging. Saying NO.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Eating (blargh!). Thinking about the past. Obsessing.

18. How did you spend Christmas?
Same as last year, with the Fam, at my house. It was a little more stressful this year, but it was good.

19. What was your favorite TV program?
You know, I honestly can't say. We got rid of cable, so I've been watching stuff on Netflix. I can't think of a single show that I made a point of watching on a regular basis. After the huge letdown that was the LOST series finale, I think I was too pissed to commit to another show.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
I'm embarrassed to admit that I didn't read much this year. I re-read a few favorites, but I don't think I read any bestsellers.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

I got sucked into the Lady Gaga frenzy (YES!), and I spent more time looking for and listening to electronic stuff. And by that I mean house music, NOT this weird shit performed by hipsters in BCG glasses and their little sisters' jeans. (And if you don't know what BCGs are, go ask somebody who's been in the Army.)

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
If you can believe it, I didn't see a single movie in the theater this year. I actually had to Google "films of 2010" to remind myself what came out. The few that I did see from this year, I saw on Netflix after the theatrical run was done. I enjoyed: Brooklyn's Finest, The Crazies, and Get Him to the Greek.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Let's see...surgical consult, pho, shopping, spa day, dinner at my favorite restaurant, and ruining my own surprise party by showing up too early. I was 32.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If my little epiphany in November had happened, oh, six or eight months sooner -- yeah, that would've been great.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
My entire closet is black clothes. Seriously.

26. What kept you sane?
My little man (although as the days go by, he's getting much better at driving me crazy). Smith. Music. Most recently, Rachel. I must have done something pretty fantastic in a past life to deserve having a friend like her in this one.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

I keep going back to my day in November. I haven't written about it here for a number of reasons, but to sum it up in the simplest and least drama-causing way, it finally dawned on me that if something is making me unhappy, I CAN CHANGE IT. People bitch all the time about their lives, their jobs, their kids, their spouses, everything. And that's fine; we all need to vent. But if something is making you truly, truly unhappy...what are you waiting for? Make the change. I did, and I plan to keep doing it in 2011, and beyond.

Tidal

I remember learning to swim when I was little, not in the pool with my favorite aunt, but at the beach with my dad. He wouldn't allow me to be afraid of the ocean. He picked me up in his arms, turned his back to the waves, and let them crash over us, telling me when to close my eyes and hold my breath. Telling me when it was safe to open up and breathe again. As I got bigger, I could stand in the breakwater myself, bracing my little body against the impact. I remember anticipation, waiting for the dull smack of the water, secretly hoping for a huge wave that would knock me off my feet and drag me out to sea. I loved the disorientation that came when I was trapped under the wave-belly -- where is up? watch your bubbles -- the near-panic of running out of breath and then the euphoria of breaking the surface and gasping for air. Dragging myself back onto the shore, still panting, then running back to do it all over again.

Older and bigger, I stopped turning my back to the waves. I faced them and learned to dive into them, more in control of where I ended up. The thrill of truly swimming, able to outstroke the currents, clear the breakers, and glide out into the deep, deep water where feet and sandy bottom drew further and further apart. Floating on the surface of swells, human sargasso weed, watching the sky and losing my bearings, drifting, drifting, drifting.

Sometimes a storm, sometimes a flat, glassy sea. I swam, always.

I don't remember when it changed. But it did. Fear and caution make a timid swimmer, one who waits for the waves to die down before wading out, eye to the shore, remember where your towel is, don't go too far astray. Self-conscious (who swims in a T-shirt and underpants?), self-doubting (I can't), self-defeating (I never really liked this anyway).

I want returned to me what fear and caution took away. Brashness, and boldness, and not-giving-a-damn. Let the tsunami come; my feet are in the sand and my back is to the sea, I want it, I'm waiting, I'm holding my breath and closing my eyes and waiting.

Radio Silence

A lot has happened over the last few weeks. I haven't had any interest in writing until this morning, when I decided to just sit down to write. What happened of course is that I got distracted by the oh, thousand emails in my inbox (forgot to close Mail before leaving the computer weeks ago). And now here I am with about twenty minutes to write before I have to go upstairs and get ready.

So what is there to say? What's the big drama that's kept me from blogging for weeks on end? Part of me doesn't even want to rehash it all this morning. Part of me wants to pretend like everything is the same and bang out a funny blog post with no "real" content. And the other part of me wants to lay myself open like a map and show you all how I got from there to here.

I'll compromise. I'll give you this: All is not right with my world at present, and that's okay. I am physically well but emotionally bruised. There has been good news and not-so-good news. I'd be lying if I said I'm doing my best to deal with all of it, but after another perfectly-timed kick in the ass from Smith last night, I'm done with the sniveling pity party. A good portion of the mess I'm in is my own damn fault, and thus it's my own (damn) responsibility to claw my way out of it.

Introspection

Part of my weight loss journey has been about figuring out the "whys" of myself, like why I chose to stay overweight. I'm not usually one for navel-gazing, but lately I've been forcing myself to take the time to think and write about how I really feel about my life.

One of the things I've been focusing on is work. I can't really call it a career, because honestly, pulling espresso and pushing overpriced sugary coffee drinks isn't a career I want. I've also got massage therapy under my belt; I just need to take my national exam to be considered a certified therapist. I have to say that the more I think about things, though, the less I'm interested in any sort of "real" job. At first I thought this was just laziness -- not wanting to have to get up, get dressed, and go out every day. Then I thought I might be too attached to the Kid to put him in someone else's care while I work. But as I wrote those thoughts down in my journal, it started to hit me. It's not laziness, it's not fear, it's not lack of ambition. Having a regular job is just not what I want to do. Period. Full stop.

So what DO I want to do? What makes me happy? What makes me feel fulfilled? Those are the tougher questions to answer, but as the days go by, I'm feeling more and more like what I'm best at and what makes me happy is to be here, in my home, taking care of my family. The whole time I'm at work, I'm thinking about being at home. And while I'm at home, I'm so happy to be there -- even on the days when the Kid is a pain, or the dogs barf somewhere, or I have to clean toilets or fold everyone's underpants.

When I first started working less and staying home more (last October), I felt really overwhelmed and stressed. I still feel that way from time to time. What I've figured out, though, is that it's not the home stuff or family stuff or marriage stuff that's stressing me out. It's the fact that I have to put those things aside to go to a job I don't like. It's having to put my family life aside every evening so I can go to bed early enough to get up for work the next day.

All I want to do is take care of my family, my home, and myself. I love cooking, gardening, playing with my son, having dinner with my husband. I love the tiny daily details of keeping house. I love planning my week, and my errands, and having friends over for dinner. Can this be my job, please? Sadly, the answer to that question is NO. For now, I have to keep working, just for financial reasons. But knowing what I really and truly want to do, being honest with myself about that, is going to make it easier to bear.

What does all this have to do with my weight, you might be wondering. Well, the fact is, when I'm happy, I don't overeat. I don't punish myself with food. Happy Me likes to get up and run, eat good food, rest. Happy Me takes care of herself. So figuring out why I haven't been happy is really important.