Weekly Habit

Adios, mah vino.

Yep. This week, alcohol goes bye-bye. I'm not a heavy drinker, but I've been blowing a lot of calories on beers and glasses of wine here and there. I had my last taste when we went out for Thai food; I washed down my dinner with a cold n' delicious Asahi. At some point I'll phase it back in as a treat. Until then, though, I'm as dry as can be.

Saggy

I don't think I've actually dropped a size yet, but my pants are definitely fitting more loosely than before. It's great, except for the "Hey! I just pooped in my drawers!" look that I get in the back. I don't have one of those fantastic sticky-out butts; mine, as my friend Nathan once said, is a Montana Ass: wide and flat.

Other than that...not much to report. I'm still feeling good, despite not being able to exercise. I'm meeting with my surgeon tomorrow; hopefully he'll schedule my operation soon so I can get all of this over with.

231

Holding steady...I dipped down to 228 earlier in the week, but I think the cheeseburger and fries I ate yesterday took care of that.

Shoegazer

I was feeling a little funky this morning, so I decided to try on my old "feel good" shoes. I haven't been able to wear these since before I got pregnant (early 2007). Pregnancy made my feet swell to inhuman proportions, and unfortunately they stayed that size thanks to my weight gain. I didn't think I'd be able to get into them; I braced myself for disappointment.

But, lo and behold!

That's right. THEY FIT. AND THEY FIT WELL. No pinching, no rubbing, no "O dear lord why did I wear THESE today?"

My mood's been lifted ever since. Woo hoo!

Weekly Habit

I had a bit of a meltdown when we met with Smith last night. He came by to go over our food journals and to talk to Hubs about his workouts, supplements, and all that good stuff. I sat in on their conversation and made an ass of myself by getting upset. I felt like I was being accused of sabotaging Hubs again, because he ate crap for lunch at work on days when I didn't pack the meal for him. So of course, I cried. I'm not sure what reaction I thought that would get, but I wasn't expecting what Smith did.

He put me in time out.

Seriously. He made me leave the room until he was finished with Hubs. I stomped to my office and sat their crying for a good ten minutes, kind of feeling sorry for myself. I felt guilt, and anger, and sadness, and frustration. I cried. I played some John Mayer.

Then Smith knocked on the door. He came in and sat down, and before he said anything, he gave me a hug. (Anyone want to guess what happens when you hug a tearful Fattie? Yeah. More tears.) We talked for a while about what's going on with me. He knows I'm depressed, and he wants me to work on that during this (totally frustrating and annoying) physical down-time. I agree with him -- I am depressed, and if I don't fix that first, any weight loss or physical change that I make happen won't stick.

Poor Smith -- he thought this was going to be a personal training gig, and now here he is being my therapist.

So, that's how we chose this week's habit: Do something creative - EVERY DAY. And ask for what I need, like, you know, HELP.

Frustration

I'm about at the end of my rope with this hernia thing. I was in agony for a week, then woke up the other day with zero pain (no gut pain, no back pain). Now my back is starting to hurt again, just when I'd decided to start running again. Yeah, I was going to flip my surgeon the bird and get back on the treadmill. But now, my entire low back, hips, and heiny are ablaze with aches and twinges. AGAIN.

I'm so over this. I'm so tired. And the worst part is, the self-doubt has given up on tiptoeing and is now stomping into my mind with huge steel-toed boots. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. IT'S PSYCHOSOMATIC. YOU'RE MAKING IT UP. SEE, NO ONE BELIEVES YOU. THEY JUST THINK YOU'RE A BIG FATTIE WHO'S TRYING TO AVOID WORKING OUT.

It doesn't help that I'm frustrated with the Hubs, too. And mad that I can't work. And worried about money. And just all around losing my shiitake.

233.4

Not too bad, considering I didn't run for an entire week, didn't log my food for a few days, and drank a lot of beer.