2010: That's the Year, and (Thankfully) Not My Weight

As 2010 draws to a close, I'm trying desperately to get back into the habit of blogging regularly. I've been slacking, despite many, many complaints from those eight folks out there who read what I write. So! Tonight I'm tackling the same year-end questionnaire that I did at the end of 2009. (I'm using the modified version from Linda's blog, so it's not identical to last year's.)

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Publicly (well, by way of my blog) admitted my weight. The last time I did that, I was in third grade. As part of a numbers/math exercise, we all wrote our weights on the chalkboard. I had no idea that I weighed "too much" until I wrote my number and heard the class gasp.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I'm proud to say that I absolutely DID do what I said I would:

"To take the damn NCE and be done with my massage certification once and for all." CHECK. Took and passed the NCE, and I'm now finally working full-time as a CMT at a place I really, really love.

"Another is to resolve all of my seemingly never-ending medical issues (hernia, knee, facial cyst, and now gall bladder)." CHECK #2. Although the hernia business required a third and horribly unexpected surgery, and the knee turned out to be nothing. Well, nothing except a random slug of metal in my femur, but, you know.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! Smith and his wife brought an adorable daughter into the world in January. And my old Starbucks pals Megan (who has a blog herself) and Lisa had their second daughter and son, respectively. And Mona! Mona had a baby, too. Oh! The lovely super-mommy Luce rounded out her gang with a son, too. I may be forgetting somebody, but dang. Was 2010 the year of the newborn or what?

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Fortunately, no. But I'm sad to say that several of my friends suffered losses this year.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. LAME!

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
More focus -- I've been a little all over the place this year.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 17th -- Welcome, Baby S!
May something -- FINALLY left Starbucks. For good.
April 24th -- The anniversary that almost wasn't.
November 4th -- My epiphany day (also known as the day I got my cajones back)
December 13th -- Broke the 204 lb plateau, finally.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I have to say, I'm most proud of the fact that I finally, FINALLY took the NCE. It had been hanging over my head for so long. Now that it's done, I've been able to go back to what I love doing most: MASSAGE.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I think I could have been a much better wife this year. I didn't work as hard at that as I have in years past, and it showed. Sorry, Hubs.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Cue the hernia-inducing laughter here. Oh man. Three surgeries (one minor, two major), many trips to the hospital, more prescriptions than you can shake a stick at. Not a good year, health-wise. But hey! I'm still here!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My iPhone. The only thing that even comes close is my CamelBak water bottle.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Debt (sigh) and our lovable, aging house.

13. What did you get really excited about?
Massage, finally. And exercising, which is awesome but weird.

14. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Not a song, but a whole album: Jack Johnson's "Sleep Through the Static," mostly because I got to listen to it on repeat for two hours almost every week.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:


...happier or sadder? Hmm. Sadder about some things, happier about others. Sorry to be cryptic, but I'm still working through a lot of crap. Bear with me.

...thinner or fatter? THINNER, and how mothereffing good does it feel to type that?! TWENTY POUNDS DOWN FROM THIS TIME LAST YEAR, PEOPLE.

...richer or poorer? Well, we made a decision that resulted in the elimination of a lot of our debt, but we're still in that weird place where I'm not making quite enough money for us to be super comfortable. It's getting better though. So both, I guess?

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Yoga. Writing. Hugging. Saying NO.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Eating (blargh!). Thinking about the past. Obsessing.

18. How did you spend Christmas?
Same as last year, with the Fam, at my house. It was a little more stressful this year, but it was good.

19. What was your favorite TV program?
You know, I honestly can't say. We got rid of cable, so I've been watching stuff on Netflix. I can't think of a single show that I made a point of watching on a regular basis. After the huge letdown that was the LOST series finale, I think I was too pissed to commit to another show.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
I'm embarrassed to admit that I didn't read much this year. I re-read a few favorites, but I don't think I read any bestsellers.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

I got sucked into the Lady Gaga frenzy (YES!), and I spent more time looking for and listening to electronic stuff. And by that I mean house music, NOT this weird shit performed by hipsters in BCG glasses and their little sisters' jeans. (And if you don't know what BCGs are, go ask somebody who's been in the Army.)

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
If you can believe it, I didn't see a single movie in the theater this year. I actually had to Google "films of 2010" to remind myself what came out. The few that I did see from this year, I saw on Netflix after the theatrical run was done. I enjoyed: Brooklyn's Finest, The Crazies, and Get Him to the Greek.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Let's see...surgical consult, pho, shopping, spa day, dinner at my favorite restaurant, and ruining my own surprise party by showing up too early. I was 32.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If my little epiphany in November had happened, oh, six or eight months sooner -- yeah, that would've been great.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
My entire closet is black clothes. Seriously.

26. What kept you sane?
My little man (although as the days go by, he's getting much better at driving me crazy). Smith. Music. Most recently, Rachel. I must have done something pretty fantastic in a past life to deserve having a friend like her in this one.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

I keep going back to my day in November. I haven't written about it here for a number of reasons, but to sum it up in the simplest and least drama-causing way, it finally dawned on me that if something is making me unhappy, I CAN CHANGE IT. People bitch all the time about their lives, their jobs, their kids, their spouses, everything. And that's fine; we all need to vent. But if something is making you truly, truly unhappy...what are you waiting for? Make the change. I did, and I plan to keep doing it in 2011, and beyond.

200

Almost there...

Today is New Year's Eve. I want to start 2011 under 200 pounds. I can do this!

I can do this, even though I woke up feeling sick as a dog (thank you, Kid and your endless parade of daycare diseases) and have had to cancel the party I've been looking forward to for a week.

I can do this, even though my trainer is several states away and can't be here to help me today.

I can do this, even though there is a delicious homemade pear cobbler in my fridge, calling my name.

I can do this, even though I'm coughing so hard I probably won't be able to work out.

I can do this.

201

I am determined to start the new year under 200 pounds. DETERMINED.

201.6

Record low...

203.2

I know my normal weigh-in day is Friday, but I was feeling so good after my run this morning that I couldn't help but hop on the scale. A new low, I think? SWEET!

Note: I checked my old posts, and this IS indeed my all-time low since I started blogging about my weight. I'm beyond stoked.

Pushing It

Sometimes, the universe is unrelenting in its efforts to drive a point home. A message or a sign, faint at first, gets repeated and repeated and repeated, thrumming in your head like an inescapable pulse. You can ignore it, sure, if you try. But not for long. Eventually it breaks through.

Since my yoga class last week, and my realization at the sushi case, my message has been playing in a loop, with the volume increasing at every repetition:

I am strong, I can do anything, and the only real obstacles in my life are the ones I create myself, in my head.

I heard it loud, so loud tonight. Smith came over to work out with me. He'd called on his way to let me know that we were going to be doing stuff outside. Greaaaat, I thought. I just love exercising outdoors. I tweeted about it, of course, making the comment that I feel fatter outside than I do anywhere else. It's weird, I know, but it's true. Working out outside makes me feel super vulnerable, self-conscious, and insecure. (This is why my treadmill is my best friend.)

Anyhow, it turned out to be not as bad as I'd feared. Some goofy high-stepping, burpee thingies, and stretching. Then back inside, where I did standing squats (which Smith assures me will give me the butt I've lacked my whole life). After that? You guessed it...running.

Now, I've been running a little bit on my own. Or, I thought it was running. Chuffing away on the tready, one foot in front of the other, getting sweaty and all that business. Oh no, friend. No, no, noooooooo. Smith proved to me beyond any reasonable doubt that what I've been doing is NOT running. What I've been doing is (shocker!) being lazy, and not pushing myself anywhere near my limit. So what did ol' Smithypants do? He (shocker number two!) pushed me.

When I run on my own, the fastest pace I usually hit is about 4.2 mph -- maybe 4.4 if I'm feeling feisty. Tonight, I maxed out at over 5 mph. Granted, it was not a continuous run at that pace; Smith had me doing intervals. Over the course of two miles, he kept alternating, fast and slow, fast and slow, increasing the "fast" pace every time.

It was during one of the fast intervals, the fastest one of the workout, I think, that my message came through again. I saw Smith's finger on the button, that horrible, horrible up-arrow that increases the speed of the tready, and my immediate reaction was to think "CRAAAAAAP! I CAN'T GO ANY FASTER!"

And then it happened. Those words fell away, and I felt my body do something I've never really noticed before. Somehow, some way, through some weird tightening of muscles and relaxing of breath, it told my brain to shut up. I felt my feet kick up a little higher, my arms (of which I'm hyper-aware when I run, simply because I don't want to look goofy) fell into a nice rhythm, my stride lengthened a little bit, and I felt this sort of bounce in my step. It was hard, and my breathing was strained, complete with knives in the diaphragm and that goose-honkish panting that no one should have to hear. But I was doing it. Running. FOR REALS. Smith even told me I was making it look easy (what the WHAT?!) and gave me a coveted high five. To put that into perspective for you: high fives from Smith are harder to score than an Hermès Birkin bag.

Once again, I got the message that all these stupid obstacles, all these lies I tell myself about what I can and can't do, they're all in my head. I'm strong. I can make my body do whatever I want it to. I can. I can. I CAN.

I ended up doing over two miles in under 40 minutes. I was soaked in sweat, bright red at the end, and climbing up the stairs to shower required Herculean effort. AND I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

I'm feeling beyond amazing right now. My body isn't where I want it to be yet, for sure, but all these moments that keep happening give me so much hope. I feel so good. I feel strong. I feel happy, and proud, and peaceful, and excited, all at the same time.

To Blog, or Not To Blog?

I'm kind of horrified that it's been almost two months since my writing came to a screeching halt. I don't really remember what made me stop, other than feeling generally overwhelmed and not wanting to drag the pitiful, dessicated corpse of my personal life out into the glaring light of teh intarwebs. While I'm not any more inclined to share a lot of what's happened, I'm ready to get back on the blog-wagon.

So! Let's get started.

My weight has been fluctuating between 204 and 208. I can't seem to get below 204, but honestly I haven't been working too hard on it until this week. I started running again -- pitifully slow, but running nonetheless. I also took a yoga class for the first time in a bajillion years, and it was beyond amazing. I'm stronger than I think, and more coordinated. And I'm in love with anything that makes me feel that way.

On the food front, I decided that it's time to go back to a meat-free diet. I was a vegetarian years ago, thanks mostly to the influence of my old roommate (who I lovingly refer to as Captain Straightedge), but gave it up. I wasn't really doing it for the best reasons, and at 23 years old, I was too damn lazy to be a healthy vegetarian. You can't live on macaroni and meatless "chik'n" patties and expect to be healthy. So why go back to it now? Well, I started thinking about the healthiest people I know (mentally, physically, emotionally) and it occurred to me that the majority of them eat little to no animal products. No matter how you slice it, meat is bad for you. It's also bad for the planet, and for the animals from whom it's derived. You can argue with me if you want, but I'm not changing my mind. And I don't expect you to change yours -- your body is your body, feed it whatever you choose.

I was at the grocery store today getting a salad for lunch, and I felt a pang of sadness when I walked past the sushi case. "No sushi for ME," I thought, wah wahhhhh, pitiful pitiful. And then it dawned on me: I was letting myself be sad over a spicy tuna roll. A little fish-filled log of rice, wrapped in seaweed. Food was making me sad. FOOD!

It's just food. It's fuel for your cells. It's not love, it's not an escape, it doesn't fix anything.

IT'S JUST FOOD.

(This may seem like common sense to you, dear reader, but this is a thought that is as foreign to me as responsible journalism is to Glenn Beck.)

That one simple thought makes me feel so free, so hopeful, so ready to tackle any challenge. If I can end a 20 year dysfunctional relationship with food, I can do anything.

Oh, and speaking of things I can do? Check THIS out:



That right there? That's Crow Pose. AND I DID IT. No, the picture is not of me, and I didn't do it nearly as perfectly as this nice young lady, but I did it. I balanced my body weight on my arms, I got my feet off the ground. And it felt so, so, SO good to have physical proof of what I've been scared to believe for so long: I am strong, I can do anything, and the only real obstacles in my life are the ones I create myself, in my head.

That's the mantra. That's the code. That's how I'm getting from here to there.