215.6

Amazing what happens when you give up espresso bar drinks for two weeks.

Normally, I have at least one grande (16 oz) or venti (20 oz) latte of some sort every day. I mean, I work at Starbucks, so it's kind of tough to avoid. But at the beginning of last week, I decided to switch back to regular ol' drip coffee. Smith had actually told me to do this a while ago, but I didn't listen. (Sorry, Smith.) Initially I was putting vanilla syrup and some half-and-half in my coffee, but this week I did just a little vanilla soy milk with one raw sugar if I needed a sweet kick. Losing 2.6 pounds in a week makes this feel less like a sacrifice and more like a big "DUHHHHH" moment.

218.2

The numbers are headed in the right direction once again!

Self-Esteem

Self-esteem. We throw that term around a lot. But what does it really mean? Does it mean that you're impervious to jokes (even the mean ones), that nothing ever bothers you? Does it mean that you do get upset, but you hide it? I don't think so.

I'm no expert here, seeing as how my own self-esteem is not the highest, but it seems to me that feeling good about yourself means you can stand up for yourself, or at the very least let someone know when they've upset you. I think I do a pretty good job of that, most of the time. I've also learned (especially recently) that there are a lot of things that you just can't take personally, no matter what they are or who they come from; you've got to shake it off.

People have said and done terrible, horrible things to me in my life. I could probably make a whole blog just on jokes made about me. I've spent many an hour hiding in the bathroom (hello, my entire junior high experience), hiding behind weight or funky clothes and hair (hello, most of my 20s), or just plain hiding my feelings. Most of the time, I rip on myself, beating others to the punch. Sort of like Cyrano de Bergerac, only less articulate.

I've also wasted a lot of time waiting for other people to build my self-esteem for me. News flash, kids -- it's called SELF-esteem for a reason. Nobody else can give it to you, and once you get it, you can't let other people take it away from you. This is something I'm still struggling with; I think I rely a little too heavily on those around me to boost me when I need it. I need to focus on what I can do to boost it myself. I started making lists of things I'm good at, accomplishments I'm proud of, and things I can do that no one else can. These are private lists, and I go to them when I'm feeling low.

But what about when people tease me? Because hey, they still do. Like me, most of my friends show their affection by ragging on me. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it doesn't bug me, because I understand the motivation, which is usually "LIGHTEN UP, JENNY!" But every once and a while, something will be said or done that gets to me. It's not always something big, but things do get through. For example...I hopped off a barstool in my kitchen, and Smith pointed out that I'd left a spot on the chair. I was HUMILIATED. I was ashamed that I'd dared to let my bottom get warm and sweaty. "How gross are you?! You're so big and fat, even your ASS sweats! UGH!" I thought. I could have cried. I wanted to cry. Instead, I just let myself feel bad for a second, and then I tried to think about it rationally. Smith wasn't pointing it out to be mean or make me feel bad. For Pete's sake, he didn't even know what it WAS. He pointed it out because he noticed it, and he thought I'd want to know there was something on the chair that needed to be cleaned off. Once I realized that, it wasn't even worth it to say anything, because I wasn't upset anymore.

Other times, people have said things that I couldn't justify or rationalize. And when that happens, all I can do is tell them (privately) that what they said or did upset me. Guess what, though? If I don't tell them I'm upset, then I can't be mad at them for acting like I'm NOT upset. For all they know, what they said was fine and didn't faze me. If they apologize, then that's it, it's done. If I'm still upset about it, that's my problem. (I've never had anyone NOT apologize, so I don't know where you go from there.)

People often say or do things they regret, myself included. I think if I ever joined a 12-step program, it would probably take me years to work through the "amends" portion. That filter between my brain and my mouth doesn't always work so well. I'd like to think that I do a decent job of catching my mistakes, and correcting them if and when I can, but who knows? There's always going to be someone for whom "I'm sorry" isn't good enough.

NOTE: Please know that this post is not an attempt to criticize, "call out," or bash anyone. These are just my own thoughts as they've popped into my head today.

Smith Layeth the Smacketh Down

I will not be going back to Weight Watchers. Why? Well, to put it simply, Smith said no. Now, before everybody gets all hinky about me taking orders from my trainer, let me just say this:

LISTENING TO SMITH WORKS.

What have I accomplished since he started working with me? Let's do a quick inventory.

1. I've lost close to thirty pounds.

2. I feel better about myself than I have in a really, really long time.

3. I am no longer beating myself up on a daily basis for the things I can or can't do.

4. I pay attention to what I eat without obsessing about it.

5. I have learned that I DO have time to work out, every day.

6. I DID A MOTHEREFFING 5K, something I didn't think I'd be able to do for at least a year.

Smith made some good points (ha! points!) about Weight Watchers without really dissing the program. His biggest concern was the cost -- he knows I'm broke, and he knows there are other things I should be putting my money towards (NCE fees, ahem). He acknowledged that he's been busy, and told me now that he's used to his new work schedule, we'll get back on track with workout sessions. He knows that I need the one on one time to stay motivated.

He also gave me a swift kick in the butt because he knows I've been slacking. I whined about my medical stuff, and he told me he was going to bring me some Advil for my knee, and a straw to SUCK IT THE HELL UP. Heh. Man, I needed to hear that.

So it's back to the grind -- treadmill, food management, weights, supplements. Woo hoo!

Pondering

I've spent the morning tooting around on the Weight Watchers website. I'm seriously considering rejoining, having been very successful with my two previous experiences. I have some other reasons for joining -- I need support, Smith is uber busy with work (and a new baby who should be arriving any second now!), I need to track my food better and WW has a tool for my Blackberry that will let me do just that.

The down side is, of course, the cost. If I sign up for the Monthly Pass, I get unlimited meetings and use of their eTools (which are pretty kick-ass). It's $39.95 a month. That may not sound like much, but it is to me. We've spent the last year cutting our monthly bills down as much as possible in order to pay off a seemingly endless pile of debt.

So, I made a decision. I'm going to use the tips I earn at work to pay for the monthly pass. It'll take me about two weeks' worth to get started, and that'll be that. I'm gonna do it. (I'm also hoping that my pal Peggy will sign up and do this with me, but that's up to her.)

Thanks to BitchCakes for her super inspiring blog that got me thinking about Weight Watchers again!

Let's Get It Done

I spent an hour at my doctor's office this morning. (Of course, of those sixty minutes, only twenty were actually spent in her presence.). I had a list of issues for her -- facial cyst, gall bladder, recurrent mystery bulge, and my knee. She patiently listened as I explained each thing, then she did a few quick assessments. Three prescriptions and three referrals later, and I'm not fixed yet.

So what's on deck for 2010 so far?

• I'm seeing a plastic surgeon about the facial cyst. Since I've lost weight, it's far more noticeable (to the point that someone asked "What IS that?!" on meeting me for the first time), and I want it gone. My regular surgeon could have taken care of it, but as my doc said, "You probably don't want that type of surgeon cutting on your face." Hopefully, they'll be able to hack it out without putting me under, and I'll be in and out in one visit. Hopefully.
• I'm going to an orthopedic surgeon to get my knee assessed. I'm guessing that he'll poke at it, and then order an MRI. So, more waiting, and more tests for which I'll have to shell out hefty co-pays.
• I'm heading back to my regular surgeon who'll decide if my gall bladder needs to come out (again, probably more expensive tests and waiting). If it does, then he can take a peek at the mystery bulge while he's poking around in my belly. If there's something to fix, he'll fix it.

Oh! And according to the doc's scale, I've only gained back four pounds, which really isn't too bad in my opinion. She was really pleased with my overall loss, and about peed her pants with excitement when I told her I did a 5k and had enlisted the help of a trainer. She says she'll do whatever she can to help me get all this mess resolved so I can get back on track with exercise.

I'm trying to keep my food under control, but the gall bladder stuff is making it difficult to eat. About twenty minutes after I eat anything, I either feel a) pukey or b) agony. I can take meds for either, but only when the Hubs is home, since both drugs result in serious loopiness and/or coma-like sleep.

Anyhoo, that's about it for now. Waiting, painkillers, and more waiting. I hope your 2010 has started off on the right foot!