Self-Esteem

Self-esteem. We throw that term around a lot. But what does it really mean? Does it mean that you're impervious to jokes (even the mean ones), that nothing ever bothers you? Does it mean that you do get upset, but you hide it? I don't think so.

I'm no expert here, seeing as how my own self-esteem is not the highest, but it seems to me that feeling good about yourself means you can stand up for yourself, or at the very least let someone know when they've upset you. I think I do a pretty good job of that, most of the time. I've also learned (especially recently) that there are a lot of things that you just can't take personally, no matter what they are or who they come from; you've got to shake it off.

People have said and done terrible, horrible things to me in my life. I could probably make a whole blog just on jokes made about me. I've spent many an hour hiding in the bathroom (hello, my entire junior high experience), hiding behind weight or funky clothes and hair (hello, most of my 20s), or just plain hiding my feelings. Most of the time, I rip on myself, beating others to the punch. Sort of like Cyrano de Bergerac, only less articulate.

I've also wasted a lot of time waiting for other people to build my self-esteem for me. News flash, kids -- it's called SELF-esteem for a reason. Nobody else can give it to you, and once you get it, you can't let other people take it away from you. This is something I'm still struggling with; I think I rely a little too heavily on those around me to boost me when I need it. I need to focus on what I can do to boost it myself. I started making lists of things I'm good at, accomplishments I'm proud of, and things I can do that no one else can. These are private lists, and I go to them when I'm feeling low.

But what about when people tease me? Because hey, they still do. Like me, most of my friends show their affection by ragging on me. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it doesn't bug me, because I understand the motivation, which is usually "LIGHTEN UP, JENNY!" But every once and a while, something will be said or done that gets to me. It's not always something big, but things do get through. For example...I hopped off a barstool in my kitchen, and Smith pointed out that I'd left a spot on the chair. I was HUMILIATED. I was ashamed that I'd dared to let my bottom get warm and sweaty. "How gross are you?! You're so big and fat, even your ASS sweats! UGH!" I thought. I could have cried. I wanted to cry. Instead, I just let myself feel bad for a second, and then I tried to think about it rationally. Smith wasn't pointing it out to be mean or make me feel bad. For Pete's sake, he didn't even know what it WAS. He pointed it out because he noticed it, and he thought I'd want to know there was something on the chair that needed to be cleaned off. Once I realized that, it wasn't even worth it to say anything, because I wasn't upset anymore.

Other times, people have said things that I couldn't justify or rationalize. And when that happens, all I can do is tell them (privately) that what they said or did upset me. Guess what, though? If I don't tell them I'm upset, then I can't be mad at them for acting like I'm NOT upset. For all they know, what they said was fine and didn't faze me. If they apologize, then that's it, it's done. If I'm still upset about it, that's my problem. (I've never had anyone NOT apologize, so I don't know where you go from there.)

People often say or do things they regret, myself included. I think if I ever joined a 12-step program, it would probably take me years to work through the "amends" portion. That filter between my brain and my mouth doesn't always work so well. I'd like to think that I do a decent job of catching my mistakes, and correcting them if and when I can, but who knows? There's always going to be someone for whom "I'm sorry" isn't good enough.

NOTE: Please know that this post is not an attempt to criticize, "call out," or bash anyone. These are just my own thoughts as they've popped into my head today.