Weekly Habit

Adios, mah vino.

Yep. This week, alcohol goes bye-bye. I'm not a heavy drinker, but I've been blowing a lot of calories on beers and glasses of wine here and there. I had my last taste when we went out for Thai food; I washed down my dinner with a cold n' delicious Asahi. At some point I'll phase it back in as a treat. Until then, though, I'm as dry as can be.

Saggy

I don't think I've actually dropped a size yet, but my pants are definitely fitting more loosely than before. It's great, except for the "Hey! I just pooped in my drawers!" look that I get in the back. I don't have one of those fantastic sticky-out butts; mine, as my friend Nathan once said, is a Montana Ass: wide and flat.

Other than that...not much to report. I'm still feeling good, despite not being able to exercise. I'm meeting with my surgeon tomorrow; hopefully he'll schedule my operation soon so I can get all of this over with.

231

Holding steady...I dipped down to 228 earlier in the week, but I think the cheeseburger and fries I ate yesterday took care of that.

Shoegazer

I was feeling a little funky this morning, so I decided to try on my old "feel good" shoes. I haven't been able to wear these since before I got pregnant (early 2007). Pregnancy made my feet swell to inhuman proportions, and unfortunately they stayed that size thanks to my weight gain. I didn't think I'd be able to get into them; I braced myself for disappointment.

But, lo and behold!

That's right. THEY FIT. AND THEY FIT WELL. No pinching, no rubbing, no "O dear lord why did I wear THESE today?"

My mood's been lifted ever since. Woo hoo!

Weekly Habit

I had a bit of a meltdown when we met with Smith last night. He came by to go over our food journals and to talk to Hubs about his workouts, supplements, and all that good stuff. I sat in on their conversation and made an ass of myself by getting upset. I felt like I was being accused of sabotaging Hubs again, because he ate crap for lunch at work on days when I didn't pack the meal for him. So of course, I cried. I'm not sure what reaction I thought that would get, but I wasn't expecting what Smith did.

He put me in time out.

Seriously. He made me leave the room until he was finished with Hubs. I stomped to my office and sat their crying for a good ten minutes, kind of feeling sorry for myself. I felt guilt, and anger, and sadness, and frustration. I cried. I played some John Mayer.

Then Smith knocked on the door. He came in and sat down, and before he said anything, he gave me a hug. (Anyone want to guess what happens when you hug a tearful Fattie? Yeah. More tears.) We talked for a while about what's going on with me. He knows I'm depressed, and he wants me to work on that during this (totally frustrating and annoying) physical down-time. I agree with him -- I am depressed, and if I don't fix that first, any weight loss or physical change that I make happen won't stick.

Poor Smith -- he thought this was going to be a personal training gig, and now here he is being my therapist.

So, that's how we chose this week's habit: Do something creative - EVERY DAY. And ask for what I need, like, you know, HELP.

Frustration

I'm about at the end of my rope with this hernia thing. I was in agony for a week, then woke up the other day with zero pain (no gut pain, no back pain). Now my back is starting to hurt again, just when I'd decided to start running again. Yeah, I was going to flip my surgeon the bird and get back on the treadmill. But now, my entire low back, hips, and heiny are ablaze with aches and twinges. AGAIN.

I'm so over this. I'm so tired. And the worst part is, the self-doubt has given up on tiptoeing and is now stomping into my mind with huge steel-toed boots. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. IT'S PSYCHOSOMATIC. YOU'RE MAKING IT UP. SEE, NO ONE BELIEVES YOU. THEY JUST THINK YOU'RE A BIG FATTIE WHO'S TRYING TO AVOID WORKING OUT.

It doesn't help that I'm frustrated with the Hubs, too. And mad that I can't work. And worried about money. And just all around losing my shiitake.

233.4

Not too bad, considering I didn't run for an entire week, didn't log my food for a few days, and drank a lot of beer.

231

I'm kind of surprised -- I slacked off this week.

Hurdle

I wrote about this over on my other blog already, but I feel like I need to write here, too. I'm facing a hurdle, again, six months after I cleared the first one. What sucks the most is that it's the same hurdle, and it's one over which I have absolutely no control.

My C-section incision seems to have ruptured a second time, leaving me with another hernia. This one's larger than the first, and as of this morning, it's WAY more painful. I stood up this morning and immediately felt an excruciating, burning pain shoot from the area of the hernia, across my whole incision, down my leg, and up to my ribs. I almost fell over. After staggering around for a few minutes, and calling my doctor's office, I had to get in touch with Hubs and have him come home. He drove me to the doc, who said, "Yep, it's another hernia" and scheduled me for a surgical consult on the 15th. Until then, I'm out of commission. No work, no intense workouts, no heavy lifting.

I'm trying very, very hard not to let this break me. I can still walk, I can still get up and move. I don't have to lay in bed for a month. But DAMMIT...why is this happening AGAIN? I'm so frustrated...and this frustration, I can't run out.

Weekly Habit

Smith went through my food journal on Saturday and pretty much decided this week's habit for me: Eat smaller, lighter meals, and eat consistently from day to day.

He told me that my eating is "all over the place." One day, I have a good solid three meals, and then the next day, it's an Odwalla bar and espresso until dinner time. Not good. So, since Saturday, I've been having oatmeal and fruit for breakfast, salad with chicken for lunch, and a balanced dinner. It's made a big difference so far -- I don't feel like I'm on the starving/full roller coaster.

Something else I've noticed is that my skin is starting to clear up a little. I've never had acne, or even what I'd call "bad" skin, but I do get the occasional chin or nose tumor. I think it's a combination of increased water intake and then sweating on a regular basis. (And I got one of those Neutrogena Wave thingies, but that's a whole 'nother post.)

232.6

Woo hoo!

Okay, Seriously?!

I like running.

(I may retract that statement after tomorrow's workout with Smith. You know, the one we're doing AT A TRACK? Where people RUN?)

It's hard, really hard; I huff and puff and my ass hurts and sometimes my stomach feels like it's about to fling itself out of my mouth in protest, and it feels like there's bricks where my calf muscles should be. I get hot and sweaty and the blood pounds in my ears and behind my eyes and I think to myself DEAR GOD HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS FOR 26.2 MILES?

But I like it.

Doable

I have learned a very important lesson:

DO NOT BE A SMARTASS WITH YOUR TRAINER.

Smith called last night to set up a a time to train together this coming Saturday. In the course of the conversation, I told him that his wife (a friend of mine) told me he thought I was "cheating" by eating a banana for breakfast instead of what I serve the Hubs (bacon and eggs). "I'm NOT cheating!" I insisted.

He seems to think I've completely revamped my eating habits (something he specifically told me NOT to do) and that I'm "fighting dirty" by feeding Hubs more food than I eat. Not true -- I'm just not a big breakfast person. I got a little whiny with him, and tried to get off the phone by telling him I had to go do my second half-mile run for the day. "Oh? Well why don't you go ahead and add another quarter mile to that."

Blargh. But here's something amazing: I DID THE FREAKIN' THREE-QUARTERS OF A MILE. Not a big deal to the super-fit. To me? Huge deal. I ran all of it, no walking, no stopping, not even for the first tenth of a mile where I usually walk to warm up (I did a slow jog instead). And when I was done, it occurred to me for the first time that if I can run a mile, I can run three miles, and that's a 5K. Holy achievable goal, Batman!

Habit

This week's habit: Run a half mile, twice a day.

I started this on Sunday, and so far I've done it every day. Well, except for yesterday -- I let the day get away from me, and ended up trying to do both runs after dinner. It didn't go too well. I was tired, and my dinner was sloshing around in my stomach. Bleh! This morning's run wasn't too great either. I felt like there were big bricks where my calves should be. But I did it, I did my half mile.

Afterwards, while I was fixing breakfast for everybody, I got into a spat with the Hubs. I don't really even know why, but I do know that as I got more and more frustrated with him, all I wanted to do was go get back on the treadmill. I guess the whole "run it out" thing is starting to take hold.